No, Really, What's Up With Katie's Belly?

This disturbing photo* got me wondering about exactly whose alien fetus is or is not in Katie Holmes' womb, and whether astrology might help solve the mystery. Turns out some truly freaky-deaky transits are taking place in this budding Scientologist's chart.

In her birth chart, Katie has Venus, the relationship planet, conjuncting alternative-lifestyle Uranus in Scorpio in the 4th house of home and family, which could suggest some kinky goings-on behind closed doors, and perhaps an unconventional family or household arrangement. With Scorpio on the 4th house cusp, there could definitely be some skeletons in the closet.

At the moment, Jupiter has just entered Katie's 4th house of home and family. This can mean an addition to the family as well as a material upgrade to the home, i.e. moving in with Richy McMovieStar. As Jupiter approaches Venus, this could be a nice "aww, motherhood is expanding her capability to love" aspect. But remember, with Venus comes Uranus, and when Jupiter contacts this conjunction Katie's home life could become very volatile and unstable. Again, the Scorpio influence can mean secrecy as well as issues with power and control.

Another HUGE transit in Katie's life that hints at major life transformation, as well as secrecy and power struggles, is Pluto sitting right on top of her Sagittarius Sun (a transit that affects her all year). Pluto is the planet of transformation, and as it moves over Katie's Sun, she has certainly become an unrecognizably different person. (um, Catholic virgin to unwed pregnant Scientologist? Katie to Kate?) Katie's Sun is in the 5th house of children, so this could mean that motherhood is changing her life. But Pluto, ruler of Scorpio, also brings hints of control and manipulation. As if some powerful force were controlling the process of transformation. Katie's Sun and Jupiter are in mutual reception, meaning they vibe off each other; with both planets in fire signs, one would expect Katie to be bursting with exuberance 24/7. But Jupiter's placement in the 12th house of self-undoing damps down the enthusiasm a bit. Could this be the chart of someone who jumped at a chance for fame -- then realized it meant giving away her own power and hiding her true self? Was that a loaded question?

And as if that weren't enough secretive 12th-house action, Saturn, the planet of structure, restriction and paternalistic authority, is sitting on Katie's Jupiter, further repressing her self-expression. Gosh, it's almost as if some strong male personality were imposing his will on Katie's Sagittarian free spirit. As 2006 rolls on, Saturn will steamroll over Katie's Moon (emotions) and Ascendant (self-image), perhaps causing her to withdraw even further into herself as her fire-sign energy is snuffed out by Saturn.

Neptune -- currently transiting Katie's 6th house, which, interestingly, governs one's day-to-day responsibilities -- is in Aquarius, the sign of mass communication, directly opposite Katie's Leo Moon, which rules emotions and mothering. While Leo is the "look at me" sign, Katie's Moon is in the 12th house of the subconscious; here again we see that tension between loving the spotlight and preferring to remain hidden behind the scenes. Neptune, the planet of delusion, illusion and deception, seems to be creating an aura of mystery around Katie's status as a mother (Moon). Her pregnancy has been offered up to the masses via the media (Aquarius) as a spectacle (Leo), yet seems on some level to be a Neptunian illusion -- hence, perhaps, the morphing bump. Time will tell -- maybe -- whether an actual baby or the spawn of Xenu emerges into the world. But I'm guessing Neptune will figure PROMINENTLY in whatever-it-is's chart. Does anyone have a due date on this little beastie, anyway? Given that the photo above was taken in October, the fact that she's not RV-sized at this point raises some questions....

So, to sum up, Jupiter's entry into the 4th house and Pluto's transit of Katie's (Kate's?!) Sun could signify that she is indeed about to experience the life transformation that is giving birth to her first child. Or, with Neptune, Saturn and the 12th house in the picture, Katie's life change could be something more sinister. Clearly, further study of this matter is needed. Unless hustled into the trunk of a car by L. Ron Hubbard's "legal team," I will follow up soon with analysis of Tom Cruise's chart and how it relates to Katie. Come to think of it, I wonder if anyone has established an astrological chart for the founding of Scientology. Please e-mail me with any thoughts or data.

*UPDATE: This link, which originally yielded a photo timeline of Katie's inexplicably growing and shrinking baby bump, no longer works, and I have searched in vain for another copy of the image on the interwebs. Suffice to say, it was a disturbing pic. Also, please see Media-Darling.com's updated report on TomKitten's birth chart.