Britney: Baby One More Time?

Oh, my poor, dear Britney. What can I say about your marriage, life and possible, now seemingly ever more certain, pregnancy that will get you to heed my warnings? Now the ever-reliable Us Weekly is reporting that Britney is definitely, visibly, inconcealably (especially in a bikini) pregnant, per a bunch of people sitting around a hotel pool, who obviously could not be wrong. [Source]

Supposedly Britney is due on October 2 or 3, which would make her second-born a Libra, a good match for a Sag like Britney (although very different from Virgo sib Sean Preston). See Sean Preston Federline's birth chart (Astrotheme) And if the baby were indeed born on Oct. 2 or 3, it would have an Aquarius Moon like Britney. See Britney Spears' birth chart (Astrotheme)

But is Britney really pregnant? The gossipmonger I respect most, Ted Casablanca, is voicing some suspicions:

"There was the Caesars employee who described Brit as 'definitely pregnant' only to shake her head and say 'of course, it could be baby weight.'

Far more insistent was one of K-Fed's numerous amigos.... 'I'm here with them,' he said, all proud.... 'And my boy's gonna be a daddy again. She's having the baby in September. C-section.'

Such odd talk from a dude, doncha think? Especially given that he was at a table full of strangers. Yet so specific was this information that I had no choice but to put in a call to Brit's lovely flack. Apparently, the Spears spokeswoman didn't like this guy's maneuverings, either. She hasn't responded. So far." [Source]

For the past couple of years, Neptune, the planet of confusion and deception, has been conjuncting Britney's Moon, representing the mother principle, in Aquarius, sign of the public and mass media, in the 5th house of childbirth. So it's no surprise that there is widespread lack of clarity about what's really happening in Brit's belly. With Mars having just crossed her Midheaven (career goals), she has recently been focused on her career (working on her album in Hawaii). Chiron, the planet of wounding, is inconjuncting Mars as it approaches a station within a few degrees of Britney's 5th-house Moon. This suggests that a pregnancy would force Britney to adjust her current career comeback-oriented M.O. If, as Us reports, she indeed cried when she got the pregnancy news, she could be grieving the loss of her album (a creative output that, like childbirth, is ruled by the 5th house) and the chance to get back into the spotlight, as well as the fact that another baby keeps her tethered to Kevin (Us says she had thoughts of splitting with him, hence the tears upon learning of the pregnancy).

Lord knows that as much as I love Britney, anything that keeps her married to Kevin, not to mention brings more Federlines into the world, cannot be a good thing. Well, of course time will tell whether Brit has a bun in the oven or just a little excess padding. I don't know what those people by the pool saw, but based on her chart alone, I'm still holding out some hope that my girl will wait to have her next baby with her next husband.

Related:
Sweet Jesus, Is Britney Pregnant Again?! (3/8/06)
Britney in Retrograde (2/16/06)
Britney in the Breakdown Lane? (2/8/06)

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Celeb Birthdays: April 29

Tennis star Andre Agassi turns 36. As a Taurus, he never should have been with a Gemini like Brooke Shields. See Andre Agassi's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Virgo-rising earth goddess Uma Thurman is 36. See Uma Thurman's birth chart (Astrotheme)

Singer, stomach-tucker and second-generation celeb Carnie Wilson is 38. See Carnie Wilson's birth chart (Astrotheme)

Unnnnhhh! Rapper/mogul Master P is 39.

Michelle Pfeiffer is still gorgeous at 48. See Michelle Pfeiffer's birth chart (Astrotheme)

Eve Plumb, a.k.a. Jan from The Brady Bunch, is 48, too.

Brit actor Daniel Day-Lewis is 49. See Daniel Day-Lewis's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Star Trek captain Kate Mulgrew turns 51.

Double Taurus Jerry Seinfeld is 52. See Jerry Seinfeld's birth chart (Astrotheme)

Former Saturday Night Live cast member Nora Dunn is 54.

Three's Company's cheeseball stud Larry, Richard Kline, is 62. See Richard Kline's birth chart (Astrotheme)

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Celeb Birthdays: April 27-28

• April 27

That is too freakay: Travis Meeks of Days of the New turns 27 and I totally just got that "Time on my hands" song in my head yesterday and had a psychic flash that it was his birthday. WEIRD.

Actor James LeGros, who did a hilarious skewering of Brad Pitt in the excellent film Living in Oblivion, is 44. See James LeGros's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

"Sugar Walls"-singing Scottish sexpot Sheena Easton turns 47. See Sheena Easton's birth chart (Astrotheme)

KISS' Ace Frehley will doubtless be rocking and rolling all night and partying with other members of the AARP in celebration of his 55the birthday.

The gorgeous and mesmerizing-voiced Kate Pierson of the B-52s turns 58. I was once awed by the sight of her at a party and overheard her discussing tchotchkes, very appropriate for a Taurus. I also was so intent on creeping into the periphery of her circle that I wound up spilling a drink in the face of some guy and utterly mortified myself in front of La Kate. Shame!

Double Taurus Casey Kasem, who certainly personifies the Taurus traits of longevity, consistency and vocal-cord skillz, is still telling us what the teenyboppers listen to at 74. See Casey Kasem's birth chart (Astrotheme)

Actor Jack Klugman is 84. See Jack Klugman's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

• April 28

A-list eye candy (come on, let's face it, has she ever been in a memorable movie role?) Jessica Alba is 25. See Jessica Alba's birth chart (Astrotheme)

After narrowly avoiding having to bear Tom Cruise's alien baby, Penélope Cruz gets to spend her 32nd birthday with tasty Matthew McConaughey. See Penélope Cruz's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Jorge Garcia of Lost, which I will get around to watching on DVD sooner or later, is 33. See Jorge Garcia's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Law and Order's Elisabeth Röhm, i.e. the one who is not married to Bobby Flay, turns 33.See Elisabeth Röhm's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Ex-Marilyn Manson guitarist Daisy Berkowitz turns 38. Time for cake and sodomy! (FYI, that is a Marilyn Manson lyric, not a judgment on Daisy's personal birthday predilections. Although, hey, whatever floats your boat.)

It's a bit of a stretch to call Remote Control babe Kari Wuhrer, 39 today, an "actress," but she DID deflower David Silver in that limo. Dude, I still can't believe he did that to Donna. See Kari Wuhrer's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Ice skater and paramour of O.G. Buffy Kristy Swanson, Lloyd Eisler (pictured above with Buffy, I mean, Kristy), is 43. Read Media-Darling's astrological analysis of Lloyd and Kristy's relationship

Sonic Youth bassist, feminist icon, wife of Thurston Moore, mom of Coco, and all-around Badass Chick Kim Gordon still personifies punk rock at 53. See Kim Gordon's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Aquarius-rising comedian and talk-show host Jay Leno is 56. See Jay Leno's birth chart (Astrotheme)

Gemini-rising vamp Ann-Margret hits 65. See Ann-Margret's birth chart (Astrotheme)

Currently unemployed despot Saddam Hussein, 69 today, certainly has a warlike, explosive chart, with Sun conjunct Uranus and Moon conjunct Mars. His Saturn, the planet of authority, limitation, and reckoning, is right at the karmic, world-historical degree of 0° Aries, the zero point of the zodiac, which is where the transiting Sun was passing when the second U.S. war on Iraq commenced in 2003. See Saddam Hussein's birth chart (Astrotheme)

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Celeb Birthdays: April 26

Talented British R&B babe Ms. Dynamite-tee-hee turns 25. See Ms. Dynamite's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Actress Jordana Brewster is 26. See Jordana Brewster's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Dreamy Smallville star Tom Welling turns 29. See Tom Welling's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

New mama Melania Trump and Tionne "T-Boz" Watkins of TLC turn 36, as does Debra Wilson of Mad TV. See Debra Wilson's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Actor Jet Li is 43. See Jet Li's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Duran Duran drummer Roger Taylor hits 46.

Comedienne Carol Burnett is 73. See Carol Burnett's birth chart (Astrotheme)

Birth dates from IMDB.com. Please email me any corrections, additions or -- especially appreciated! -- exact birth times.

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Denise Richards Is Dead to Me

Few developments in the world of celebrity gossip actually shock and offend me, but this is truly sickening. I feel so betrayed. Denise Richards, who just months ago was making me feel all warm and fuzzy at the prospect of a rebound romance with John Stamos, has gone and screwed over her BFF, the woman who supported her through her divorce with Charlie Sheen, the one and only three-time Aaron Spelling muse, the indefatigable vixen, Ms. Heather Locklear. Yes, to my disgust and horror, Denise is doing the nasty with Heather's all-too-recent ex, Richie Sambora. [Source]

Why would she choose to rebound from her lying, cheating sleazeball ex-husband with her best friend's lying, cheating sleazeball ex-husband?! And more to the point, why would you do that to Heather? You do NOT screw with Heather Locklear, people. Little Miss Wild Thing has nothing on Amanda Woodward, okay? Denise, I was rooting for you in your Plucky Single Mom mode, and now my sympathy has vanished as completely as that piece of UPN crap you starred in. Whatever it was, it was no Melrose, let me tell you. It wasn't even a T.J. Hooker!

Well, I for one am happy to report that this unholy coupling WILL NOT LAST. Denise is an Aquarius, and possibly the only mismatch for Aquarius as wrong as Virgo (Charlie Sheen's Sun sign) is Cancer, Richie's Sun sign. With a Leo Ascendant, Richie may come off as right for Denise, but you know what? He's not. Cancer and Aquarius are on a completely different wavelength, with intuitive Cancers feeling their way through life based on gut instinct while cerebral Aquarians treat people like science projects. And to make matters worse, Richie's got a Virgo Moon! See Richie Sambora's birth chart (Astrotheme) Does this woman love misery or something? Or, perhaps more likely with that Moon-Venus combo in Aries, does she simply think ONLY of herself when rushing into relationships she has no intention of sticking with? See Denise Richards' birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

I can't stress this enough, people: BAD KARMA COMES TO THOSE WHO WOULD HURT HEATHER LOCKLEAR. I wish "Richie Rich," as PerezHilton.com has dubbed the couple [Source], as much misery as they caused their exes, or in Denise's case, as much misery as Charlie caused her. Well, let's just make it both. Sadly, while I would like to wish Heather an equivalent amount of happiness in her new relationship, I simply cannot condone her squandering herself on David Spade, which is just wrong for so many reasons. La Locklear could do so much better it's not even funny. Heeeyyy, how about Heather and John Stamos? I'm feeling them! Someone needs to write a part for a miniskirted vixen of a certain age on whatever that new crap show is he's on, unless it's been cancelled already, in which case Aaron Spelling needs to dispatch his minions to write a pilot as vehicle for the Stamos-Locklear double bill. Who's with me?!?!

Note: Since Stephen Colbert feels strongly about proprietary etymology, I must acknowledge my indebtedness to him for the phrase "dead to me."

Related: Denise Richards and John Stamos: Opposites Attract? (2/25/06)

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Celeb Birthdays: April 25

My Name Is Earl's Jason Lee, who broke my heart upon the realization that he is a Scientologist, for I had previously hoped to marry him, is 36. See Jason Lee's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Scrunchy-faced annullée Renée Zellweger celebrates her 37th. See Renée Zellweger's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

The excellent Hank Azaria, man of many Simpsons voices and many other roles (Mystery Men was a terribly underrated film), is 42. See Hank Azaria's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time, and inexplicably listed under "Frank")

Actress and Jason Schwartzman's mom, Talia Shire, is 60. See Talia Shire's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Leo-rising actor Al Pacino turns 66. See Al Pacino's birth chart (Astrotheme)

Birth dates from IMDB.com. Please email me any corrections, additions or -- especially appreciated! -- exact birth times.

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Celeb Birthdays: April 24

You win this round, Kelly Clarkson! You have actually succeeded in the feat of transcending "reality show winner" status to become an actual musical artist, and therefore I am compelled to acknowledge your 24th birthday. Curses! Foiled by the undeniable catchiness of "Since You've Been Gone"! See Kelly Clarkson's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Country singer Rebecca Lynn Howard, whom people in the red states have presumably heard of, is 27.

I hope that Eric Balfour, of the first season of Six Feet Under and the very first episode of Buffy (you can guess how things turned out for that character), gets a breakout lead role for his 29th birthday.

O.C. actress Melinda Clarke is 37. See Melinda Clarke's birth chart (Astrotheme)

Entertainer Cedric the Entertainer turns 42 today, as does actress Annabella Sciorra. See Annabella Sciorra's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

A Taurus with Libra rising, 52-year-old Jean-Paul Gaultier is doubly influenced by Venus, fitting (no pun intended) for a fashion designer. See Jean-Paul Gaultier's birth chart (Astrotheme)

Love her or hate her, Barbra Streisand turns 64. Aries-rising folks often have, shall we say, distinctive noses. See Barbra Streisand's birth chart (Astrotheme)

Actress Jill Ireland is 70. See Jill Ireland's birth chart (Astrotheme)

Ebullient/annoying diva, Shirley MacLaine, is 72. With a Moon-Neptune conjunction in her 12th house of the subconscious, no wonder she's so interested in her past lives. See Shirley MacLaine's birth chart (Astrotheme)

Birth dates from IMDB.com. Please email me any corrections, additions or -- especially appreciated! -- exact birth times.

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Celeb Birthdays: April 23

Happy Orthodox Easter!

Actress Jaime King, who is really hard to tell apart from Jamie Pressley, is 27. See Jaime King's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

OMG, I loved Kal Penn, 29, enough for Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle before IMDBing him and finding that he was in an episode of Buffy, "Beer Bad"! I could not be more excited for Harold and Kumar Go to Amsterdam.

Barry Watson turns 32. See Barry Watson's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Actress Melina Kanakaredes is celebrating her 39th birthday, as well as, presumably, Easter, today. See Melina Kanakaredes's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Actor-comedian George Lopez turns 45.

Valerie Bertinelli, sadly, celebrates her 46th without Eddie Van Halen. I know I said Taurus-Aquarius relationships are problematic, but seriously, when those two announced their separation, I lost all faith in humanity! If they can't work it out, what hope is there for the rest of us?! See Valerie Bertinelli's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Jan Hooks, SNL alumna and voice of Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon, turns 49.

Judy Davis turns 51. See Judy Davis's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

We Tauruses are stubborn, persistent and we sure do like to eat. Happy birthday to Michael Moore, who has an attention-loving Leo Ascendant and is 52 today.

See Michael Moore's birth chart (Astrotheme)

Joyce DeWitt, a.k.a. Janet of Three's Company, my favorite show growing up, is 57.

See Joyce DeWitt's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Actress Blair Brown turns 60. See Blair Brown's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Bionic actor Lee Majors, who to the best of my knowledge is still alive, is 67. See Lee Majors' birth chart (Astrotheme)

The very accomplished and once adorably ringletted Shirley Temple Black turns 78. See Shirley Temple Black's birth chart (Astrotheme)

Although there is much historical controversy over his true identity and biography, according to conventional wisdom William Shakespeare would have been 442 today if people lived that long.

Birth dates from IMDB.com. Please email me any corrections, additions or -- especially appreciated! -- exact birth times.

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Lindsay Lohan: Intervention Time Again!

Word is that after her appearance on Saturday Night Live last week, Lindsay Lohan was treated to another intervention by the SNL cast, who apparently are concerned about her partying too hard (despite making jokes about it on the air). [Source] This would be the second consecutive time Lindsay has been treated to an intervention as well as an after-party as thanks for hosting SNL. Evidently Linds was utterly unreceptive to the intervention input, which is most troubling considering that Tina Fey & co. were echoing Saturn in Leo's message of caution for LiLo.

When last we reported on Lindsay at the start of February, she had just had a mysterious accident at Bryan Adams' house in London and appeared to be generally out of control. Since then, she's continued to lose weight to the point where her clothes are literally falling off her, and while not resembling a 50-year-old divorcée quite as much as Nicole Richie does, let's just say she's getting there. It would seem that the Uranus and Neptune transits we reported on back in February are still causing trouble for Linds.

Lindsay currently has some Neptune/Pisces energy influencing her, which can signal addictive and self-destructive behavior. See Lindsay Lohan's birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time) Chaotic Uranus in Pisces has been trining her Sun, making it very tempting for her to act out, rebel and indulge. This aspect definitely describes the wild way Lindsay appears to be careening through life, veering from one whim to another.

Pisces' ruler Neptune, the planet of delusion, illusion and addiction as well as fantasy and fame, is directly opposite Lindsay's Venus, planet of relationships, which suggests that Lindsay could be blotting out her issues with men, and with her fame, by self-medicating. Venus also represents the feminine principle, and with Neptune in Aquarius, the sign of public perception and mass media, Lindsay could be trying to live up to an unrealistic Hollywood female body image ideal that she has deluded herself into validating. She is not seeing her own body clearly. With "wounded" Chiron in Aquarius about to turn retrograde near the inconjunction to her Sun, Lindsay is feeling secret pain about who she is and struggling to fit in with Hollywood's mean girls.

(Neptune also could be squaring Lindsay's Taurus Moon, depending on her birth time, and thereby forming a T-square (T-shaped aspect) with her Moon, ruler of her Cancer Sun, and Venus. If Neptune was putting pressure on both of these feminine signifiers in the chart, it is even more likely that she could be experiencing unrealistic-body-perception issues.)

With Pisces and Neptune's potential for self-destructiveness, and Uranus' tendency to get out of control, these aspects could be leading Lindsay down a very wrong road. Along with the Neptune/Pisces influences, LiLo also has tough-love Saturn poised to teach her a lesson—the easy way or the hard way, depending on whether she takes some responsibility for the consequences of her actions, or just buries her head in the sand. Saturn shows us where we need a reality check and assigns us karmic homework.

Right now, transiting Saturn is trining Saturn's position in Lindsay's natal chart, as well as conjuncting her Mercury and squaring her Pluto. At this point in the Saturn cycle—the trine, an easy, flowing aspect—Lindsay has a window in which to get it together and lay a solid foundation for the next phase of her fledgling adult life. With Saturn on her Mercury, planet of communication and thought, it is just possible that the intervention got through to her on some level, at least planting seeds in her mind. The square to Pluto would give her the power to transform her life and get on the right track, if she rallies to do so.

But Lindsay will need to resist the temptation of aspects that could trigger bad behavior. Venus in Pisces is approaching a conjunction to Lindsay's Jupiter (exact on April 26), which could bring overindulgence in drugs and alcohol. At the start of May, Mars will be on her Sun, aggravating the explosive potential of the trine with transiting Uranus, and possibly causing Lindsay to act out her aggressions—or self-medicate with particular ferocity. It will take a major Saturnian force of will to overcome the urge to take the easy way out when things get stressful. But she will need to learn to set some limits if she wants to still have a career by the time her Saturn return rolls around at age 28. It's a long shot, but for the sake of her well-being, let's all hope La Lindsay starts acting the age she dresses.

Related: Lindsay Lohan's World Hospital Tour (2/1/06)

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