Denise Richards Is Dead to Me

Few developments in the world of celebrity gossip actually shock and offend me, but this is truly sickening. I feel so betrayed. Denise Richards, who just months ago was making me feel all warm and fuzzy at the prospect of a rebound romance with John Stamos, has gone and screwed over her BFF, the woman who supported her through her divorce with Charlie Sheen, the one and only three-time Aaron Spelling muse, the indefatigable vixen, Ms. Heather Locklear. Yes, to my disgust and horror, Denise is doing the nasty with Heather's all-too-recent ex, Richie Sambora. [Source]

Why would she choose to rebound from her lying, cheating sleazeball ex-husband with her best friend's lying, cheating sleazeball ex-husband?! And more to the point, why would you do that to Heather? You do NOT screw with Heather Locklear, people. Little Miss Wild Thing has nothing on Amanda Woodward, okay? Denise, I was rooting for you in your Plucky Single Mom mode, and now my sympathy has vanished as completely as that piece of UPN crap you starred in. Whatever it was, it was no Melrose, let me tell you. It wasn't even a T.J. Hooker!

Well, I for one am happy to report that this unholy coupling WILL NOT LAST. Denise is an Aquarius, and possibly the only mismatch for Aquarius as wrong as Virgo (Charlie Sheen's Sun sign) is Cancer, Richie's Sun sign. With a Leo Ascendant, Richie may come off as right for Denise, but you know what? He's not. Cancer and Aquarius are on a completely different wavelength, with intuitive Cancers feeling their way through life based on gut instinct while cerebral Aquarians treat people like science projects. And to make matters worse, Richie's got a Virgo Moon! See Richie Sambora's birth chart (Astrotheme) Does this woman love misery or something? Or, perhaps more likely with that Moon-Venus combo in Aries, does she simply think ONLY of herself when rushing into relationships she has no intention of sticking with? See Denise Richards' birth chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

I can't stress this enough, people: BAD KARMA COMES TO THOSE WHO WOULD HURT HEATHER LOCKLEAR. I wish "Richie Rich," as PerezHilton.com has dubbed the couple [Source], as much misery as they caused their exes, or in Denise's case, as much misery as Charlie caused her. Well, let's just make it both. Sadly, while I would like to wish Heather an equivalent amount of happiness in her new relationship, I simply cannot condone her squandering herself on David Spade, which is just wrong for so many reasons. La Locklear could do so much better it's not even funny. Heeeyyy, how about Heather and John Stamos? I'm feeling them! Someone needs to write a part for a miniskirted vixen of a certain age on whatever that new crap show is he's on, unless it's been cancelled already, in which case Aaron Spelling needs to dispatch his minions to write a pilot as vehicle for the Stamos-Locklear double bill. Who's with me?!?!

Note: Since Stephen Colbert feels strongly about proprietary etymology, I must acknowledge my indebtedness to him for the phrase "dead to me."

Related: Denise Richards and John Stamos: Opposites Attract? (2/25/06)