Project Runway Astrological Predictions

You know how they did that study about how looking at pictures of cute things like kittens and baby pandas releases endorphins, the same as having sex or doing drugs? Well, I would like to see some serious scientific funding given out to study the phenomenon of endorphin release while discussing Project Runway. I have yet to meet anyone whose eyes do not light up at the mention of this beyond-compelling phenomenon. You start talking about this show and suddenly everyone from my yoga instructor to my cancer-scientist uncle turns into a freakin' WWD editor. Some people, who shall not be named, even host weekly screenings and go to such preposterous homage lengths as to prepare pizzas conceptually representing each of the four finalists. (Okay, whatever, I'm not ashamed! Uli was bratwurst, pineapple and cilantro; Michael was ricotta and mozzarella with roasted garlic; Laura was goat cheese with olives arranged in a V-neck shape and red pepper lips; and Neck Face Jeffrey was prosciutto strips criss-crossed into plaid topped with a skull and crossbones made out of capers. Now you see why I haven't had time to post lately!) Seriously, PR has the power to unite humanity. I would venture to say that if Israeli and Palestinian leaders were to watch a season-recapping marathon together they would finally be able to find common ground and bring their peoples together. Well, realistically, Palestine would probably side with Jeffrey and Israel would side with Angela's mother and it would become a whole nother can of worms that would lead to future generations of bloodshed and enmity, but I digress. The point is, it occurred to me that by casting charts for the four finalists and combining the endorphin-releasing pleasure of astrology with that of Project Runway, I could just about achieve geekgasm. On that note, let us proceed with the predictions!

Now, let me start by saying that the birth data for reality show contestants is typically spotty, and this crew is no exception. It almost goes without saying that there's not a birth time in the bunch. I have accurate towns of birth for Laura (New Orleans, LA) and Michael (Nuremberg, Germany—what's with the Teutonic vibe on this show, anyway?), but know only that Uli was born somewhere in East Germany and Jeffrey is from... well, I don't really know where Jeffrey came from originally. (I messaged him on Myspace asking for his birth data, but we all know how well that turned out last time, so I'm not holding my breath.) Obviously, if anyone has more details, please email me.

• Laura Bennett (born August 2, 1963, in New Orleans) is currently getting a nice trine from Saturn to her natal Jupiter, which describes the organized, methodical way she has gone about pursuing her dreams and goals. This aspect doesn't jump out at me as predicting a victory so much as suggesting that Laura could make some connections with influential industry figures (Saturn) who help her continue pursuing her goal (Jupiter). Transiting Venus, planet of art, beauty and material reward, in its own sign of graceful, elegant Libra, and its placement in the contestants' charts may be an important key to how they fare in a contest of aesthetic sensibilities. In Laura's natal chart, transiting Venus (and, more loosely, the Sun and Mars) falls opposite Laura's natal Jupiter, which may bring good fortune but could contrbute to a tendency to coast or take the easy road. Laura may be so caught up in basking in the moment that she starts to rest on her laurels before they have been awarded.

• Jeffrey Sebelia (born May 30, 1970, location unknown) is, according to the official PR site, under the mistaken impression that he is a Taurus, when in fact he is a Gemini. Now, it would be almost too easy to point out that Geminis are known for being two-faced and for double-talk, so ... oh, wait, I said almost, so yeah, let's go there. Dude is a snake!!! I'm guessing there's some Scorpio in that chart (his Ascendant, perhaps?), since he has that Gemini-Scorpio tendency to go for the verbal jugular (we all agree that Angela's mom was even whinier and frumpier than Angela and therefore deserved some level of peremptory dismissiveness, but DAMN, he knew exactly what buttons to push to undermine both of them!). Oops, was I extrapolating? Back to the chart. Ahem. Anyway. Since I don't even have a birthplace confirmed, this reading will necessarily be rudimentary; for all I know, Jupiter could be sitting smack on that hypothetical Scorpio Ascendant, handing him the victory on a plaid, zippered, suspiciously-well-topstitched silver platter. But barring such inadmissible speculation, the best aspects I see are the transiting Sun and Mars crossing over his natal Jupiter, with transiting Venus bringing up the rear. This is definitely a lucky, positive configuration, but it feels a little short-lived; since it will blow over in a matter of a few days, it seems unlikely that it would augur him being thrust into the spotlight in a life-changing way. Then again, has anyone heard from either of the previous winners since their moments of respective triumph? So, see, that one could really go either way.

• Uli Hertzner (born April 23, 1971, East Germany, town unknown) is my girl, considering I never met a comfortable, low-cut print dress I didn't like. And since I and my fellow cluttered-aesthetic-loving Taurean MQ are squarely Team Uli, I was about delighted to find out that she is ONE OF US! ONE OF US! ULI! ULI! ULI! Ahem... must maintain objectivity... anyhoo... I actually wish fervently that I had a star to hitch my bias wagon to, but the stars, sadly, are not aligned for my beloved Uli. There are challenges and obstacles ahead for her with both Saturn and Mars squaring their natal positions, and Chiron squaring her Sun. The Saturn square may mean a reevaluation of her methods and goals as a designer, perhaps prompted by the haters who find anything whatsoever wrong with an endless series of sexy, comfy print dresses, which frankly boggles my mind. Uli may literally have to go back to the drawing board (wait, do fashion designers actually use drawing boards? If not, please report me) and take a hard look at her limitations—though, if she uses this energy constructively, she can build up her body of work from a creative foundation that is that much stronger for her having done this work on herself. Still, from a personal perspective, I am compelled to add: ULI! ULI! ULI!

• Michael Knight (born April 11, 1978, Nuremberg, Germany) is, despite my personal preference for Uli's taste, the designer universally agreed by all reasonable people to have the widest range of style and sensibility. And damned if he doesn't know how to flatter a woman's body. Okay, there I go extrapolating again.... Michael, though, has the planetary goods to back up his skillz. He is currently experiencing an extremely significant transit: his first Saturn return, marking the shift into adulthood and maturity. The Saturn return can be marked by hard life lessons or by rewards for hard work, depending on how a person has conducted his or her life up until that point. This could be a time of real recognition for Michael. Meanwhile, transiting Saturn is also activating his natal Saturn's grand trine with his Sun (ego) and Neptune (dreams and fantasies), again suggesting the possibility of his dreams being made manifest. That fashion-friendly Venus in Libra, moreover, is opposing Michael's Sun, which could bring him some ego gratification. (P.S. Robert Hand says to be careful of any relationship formed under a Venus-opposite-Sun transit, so Michael, be wary of Brandy!)

Winner: Michael. I know everyone who has unsportsmanlikely peeked at his collection thinks it's totally disappointing, but dude, that Saturn return activating his grand trine is no joke.

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