TomKitten = KittyTaurus?

OMG! The April 17 issue of OK!'s U.S. edition reports that Katie Holmes' due date for her spawn-of-L.-Ron baby with Tom Cruise is April 21:

In recent weeks, Tom has been keeping busy not only working but also planning the birth of their little TomKitten—which OK! has learned is due to arrive on April 21—with senior members of the Church of Scientology.

This is astounding to me for two reasons: (1) Hasn't she been pregnant for, like, 17 months, with that bump changing size more often than Oprah? Haven't they been preparing with frankincense, myrrh, and silent-birth cue cards outside the Cruise Compound for weeks now? And more importantly, (2) April 21 is MY BIRTHDAY! Not only would I be terrified to share a birthday with this freak of nature, I will also be so pissed if I have to excuse myself from aging-related activities involving beer and cake to run its chart. (We Taureans love our beer and cake, let me tell you.)

Plus, I'm really not feeling the way an April 21 birth relates to Katie's chart. The baby's Sun at the very beginning of Taurus would be an awkward, uncomfortable fit with Katie's Sun, Moon and Ascendant in late degrees of fire signs (Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon and Ascendant). I can't see her really relating to an earth-sign child. (See Katie Holmes' birth chart; Astrotheme)

Meanwhile, Tom's Moon at 1° Leo would square TomKitten's Sun, suggesting that he may try to impose his own will on the baby's identity and in some ways assume the nurturing/mothering role himself. I mean, I'm all for nontraditional gender roles in parenting, but in his case all I can say is, ay que freak show! (See Tom Cruise's birth chart; Astrotheme)

Moreover, a baby born April 21 or up to a week later would have Sun conjuncting Katie's Chiron, the planet of wounding, possibly suggesting a C-section or a very painful birth. As we all know, Scientology forbids Katie to speak or take painkillers during the birth, which is downright disturbing. I mean, most red-blooded Americans enjoy talking and taking painkillers even when they're not in labor, so this really seems cruel and unusual. I am concerned about her giving birth during this time, especially in an environment that is so utterly unsupportive of her physical and emotional needs. C'mon, Katie, pop that tot out NOW, while the Sun is still in Aries—you will have such a better relationship with a fire-sign child than with an earth sign!

Related: No, Really, What's Up With Katie's Belly? (1/23/06)