Celeb Birthdays: April 9

Wow, if you were born today, you share your birthday with some wildly mediocre celebrities, plus a couple of legendary smutmongers.

Be afraid, be very afraid, of teen TV stars who also release albums, such as Jesse McCartney, rapidly approaching obsolescence at 19. See Jesse McCartney's astrological chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Youngest Cosby kid Keshia Knight-Pulliam has reached 27 without any apparent downward spiral into meth addiction like the girl from Full House, so good for her! See Keshia Knight-Pulliam's astrological chart (Astrotheme)

In the public consciousness for far fewer of those same 27 years is Albert Hammond Jr. of the Strokes.

Smutmonger number one, porn queen Jenna Jameson, turns 32. Not that I'm judging -- heck, the chick's practically a brand by now, so more power to her. Although, with that Sun-Chiron conjunction in Aries, I'm a bit worried that her sexual assertiveness masks a deep-seated inner pain. See Jenna Jameson's astrological chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Cynthia Nixon, whom I totally swear I saw at the C-Town supermarket in Prospect Heights with her girlfriend right before they were outed, turns 40 today. See Cynthia Nixon's astrological chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

'80s supermodel, bride of insect man Ric Ocasek and star of some highly annoying FreshDirect ads (especially if you watch the Food Network 6+ hours a day and see them constantly), Paulina Porizkova, turns 41. See Paulina Porizkova's astrological chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Okay, I make an exception for Dennis Quaid, who is totally not mediocre and gets nowhere near enough credit, and at 52 is one of the few men in Hollywood who is actually remaining a hottie as he gets older, as opposed to the saggy, disgusto cretins like Michael Douglas and Jack Nicholson who are always raved about as looking great because it would crush their egos to point out that they're repulsive. See Dennis Quaid's astrological chart (Astrotheme, no birth time)

Speaking of male egos, that brings us to smutmonger number two, the master manipulator of male insecurities...Hugh Hefner, who turns 80 -- or, as he calls it, "the new 40" -- today. With his Virgo rising, I tend to think his whole pimped-out image is a bit calculated. With Mars and Jupiter together in Aquarius, he's interested in bringing sexuality to the masses but not necessarily all that passionate on a personal level. See Hugh Hefner's astrological chart (Astrotheme)

Birth dates from IMDB.com. Please email me any corrections, additions or -- especially appreciated! -- exact birth times.