Celeb Birthdays: March 13

OMG, I just thought of something SO FREAKY. Isn't Katie Holmes supposedly "due" to "give birth" to her "biological child" any moment? Wouldn't it be mondo bizarro if Katie went into "labor" today? Especially if she were to be artificially induced? That would be an awfully strange coincidence -- read on to find out why....

Is it because he shares his b-day with L.Ro himself that Danny Masterson, 30 today, became a Scientologist? Is it?! Because seriously, I can't reconcile him being Hyde on That '70s Show with him being a Friend of Xenu. Also, could someone please explain how hanging out with Wilmer Valderrama and a bunch of coke whores in every VIP room in L.A. will help cleanse your thetans? Seriously, those clubs seem like dens of thetanity to me.

Common has been bringing the Piscean gift for poetic, soulful creativity to the hip-hop world for 34 years. Didn't he used to date fellow Pisces Erykah Badu? What happened with that? They would be friggin' perfect for each other!

Bassist Adam Clayton celebrates his 46th. I would remark upon his career accomplishments, but I think the members of U2 have received enough kudos for several lifetimes, thank you very much.

It's hard to articulate in words the awesomeness and endearingness of William H. Macy, who will doubtless spend his 56th with the awesome and endearing Felicity Huffman by his side.

Ohhh yeah baby, it's on. The goddess, the legend, the vision in sequins, the original coochie-coochie mama ... my inspiration, my role model, the wind beneath my wings ... the spangled and splendiferous Charo is an ageless wonder at 65. And can we just talk about how savvy and hilarious she was on The Surreal Life? Somebody needs to remake The Love Boat so my beloved Charo has a fitting vehicle to resume her rightful place in show business. To sum up, I LOVE CHARO! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHIQUITA!

Whew. Okay. Neil Sedaka is 67. Sorry, I just can't muster up that same level of enthusiasm. I mean, the man wrote a love song about knocking someone up. What was up with that? Creepy, yo.

And speaking of creepy... we've come full circle with the Scientologists today. As noted above, L. Ron Hubbard would have been 95 today, but will have to settle for being reborn via the test-tube-incubated stem cells implanted in Katie Holmes' womb... Wait, hang on, I hear knocking at the door.... Hey, it's John Travolta! Wow! What are you doing here? What's that strange-smelling towel you're covering my face wi-- MMMMF!!! MMMFFF!!! MMMMFFFFFfffffff..... zzzzzz..........................................

EDIT: Earlier false statements posted on this blog may have appeared to disparage L. Ron Hubbard and his many enlightened followers, such as popular actor Danny Masterson and America's Sweetheart herself, Kate Holmes-Cruise. These statements were erroneous, misleading and clearly made by an unclean, thetan-riddled, mean-spirited individual who, tragically, has yet to undergo even a Phase I Clearing. The editors of this blog have been air-lifted to an undisclosed location for voluntary, consensual Scientological reeducation, which is complimentary except for a nominal fee to be paid in tiered installments for the rest of their lives. Stay tuned to Media-Darling.com for future posts on such topics as "Is Xenu Behind Your Xanax Addiction?" and "Silent Births: Why They're So Incredibly Fair to the Woman and Not Insane."

Birth dates from IMDB.com. Please email me any corrections, additions or -- especially appreciated! -- exact birth times.

UPDATE: Is it a coincidence that Isaac Hayes, a.k.a. Chef, chose to leave South Park today of all days? Hmmm... [Full story: CNN.com]