Who Should Jessica Simpson Date Next?

I was originally intending to post something about Jessica Simpson's rebound relationship with Adam Levine of Maroon 5, but then I lay down for a short nap and awoke to find that they had already broken up. Evidently Adam dumped her via text message (full story on the always hilarious wwtdd.com), which is rather fitting karmic payback for a Venus-in-Gemini two-timer (Gemini rules communication devices such as pagers, cell phones, Blackberries, etc.) like Jessica. She may also have her Moon in Gemini, depending what time of day she was born; given her rumored fickleness, I'm inclined to believe that she was born earlier in the day with a Gemini Moon, since a double Cancer would be, well, a better cook for one thing. Plus she would be more inclined to stay home with a dreamy Scorpio hubby like Nick Lachey, whereas a Gemini-Moon hoochie would be more inclined to go out partying and flirting with anyone in sight. Folks, I rest my case.

Okay, so having established that I believe Jessica to be a Cancer Sun with a side of Gemini Moon (see Jessica's chart; source: Astrotheme), whom should she date next? In one corner we have Jude Law, who, as a Capricorn, does score automatic points as a match for Jessica (opposite signs, like Cancer and Capricorn, are traditionally very good matches). But we cannot overlook the fact that Jude Law is a dirty, dirty whore with ... OMG, every planet except Saturn and Pluto on the eastern side of the chart -- selfish much?? (See Jude Law's chart; Astrotheme) Jessica, honey, Jude might have Jupiter, ruler of his Sag Ascendant, on your Sun, but that just makes it easier for him to lie to you. Stay away!!!

With her Sun-Mercury conjunction, Jessica is a lot smarter than she comes off, though the fact that her natal Mercury is retrograde would explain quirky utterances like the infamous chicken-fish conundrum. She also has a Mars-Saturn conjunction in Virgo that makes her a very disciplined hard worker. I like the idea of her dating someone with his Sun betweeen 16-23° Libra, which would square her Sun (challenging her, which I think Jess needs right now) but also trine her Moon/Venus, creating an easy emotional bond.

So whose Sun falls in this zone? Some people might say that searching on IMDB for such individuals would be a lame way to spend a Friday night. These people clearly do not possess the Astro-Blogging Love required to undertake such a noble, selfless research project on behalf of La Simpson. And now, with the threat of hateration contained, let us move on to the specimens of Libra man-meat I have identified as candidates for winning Jessica's heart:

Nick Cannon (born 10/8/80, San Diego, CA) knows how to work the mass-market-appeal machine to make his modest talents at singing and acting seem greater than the sum of their parts. OMG, just like Jess! I could just see these two hooking up at, like, the Nickelodeon Awards or some such nonsense.

Bode Miller (born 10/12/77, Easton, NH), might just be a match for Jessica inasmuch as his personality is equal parts overachiever and party-hearty spaz. His Olympic bid got about as much press, and ultimately amounted to as much of an accomplishment, as her movie debut in Dukes of Hazzard. At least we were spared promotional photos of him with artificially enhanced junk in his trunk.

Sacha Baron Cohen (born 10/13/71, London, UK), a.k.a. Ali G., might seem like he's way over Jessica's head. But come on, you know she loves her some Jackass guys. Ali G would be such a step up in terms of sophistication, while allowing her to maintain the excitement of dating an envelope-pushing "bad boy." Plus, at least Borat could give her a resounding "Ich don't think so" to those collagen lip implants and the Uggs/sweatpants ensembles that scream "Damn the paparazzi, I just don't care anymore." I don't think papa Joe Simpson would exactly cotton to Jess bringing home a nice Jewish boy who ain't even American, but since that's just one of the many reasons Herr Simpson is creepy and evil, I'm liking this couple!

Who would you like to see Jessica Simpson date next? Email me or post a comment and I'll let you know how your choice's chart stacks up with Jessica's.